Agnes on Decorum

See if Ah wiz him Ah wudny staun fur thoan,
no if Ah wiz President. Ah mean tae say
it's jist no dacent like. If Ah wiz oan
the telly Ah'd sune tell them whit tae dae
wi aa thur questions. Aye Ah wud an aa
an stuff thur bliddy cameras up thur erse.
Ah'd jist say it wiz great an thur's hee-haw
youz lot can dae aboot it noo. Weel ferr's
ferr, it's no as if he wiz the poap
or Ian Paisley - thoan wud be a laugh,
speshly if it wiz wi the queen - some hope,
Chookie wud kill the perr o them. He's aff
his heid an aa. Here Maggie, whit's the odds
thae Yanks'll huv him coupit? Sully sods . . .

Agnes on Martyrs

Hidin, me? Ah'll gie ye hidin
Ah've bin doon ra cellar humpin
bliddy barrels. Wherr wis you'n yer
fancy man that drives the loarry?

's aye the same oan Friday. Maggie
therr goes poancin aff fur denner
jist afore thae Tennents Lager
wankers bring their bliddy loarry.

Last week ye wis daein the bukes,
the wan afore ye're in the cludgie
next week ye'll be christ knows wherr
but muggins hus tae dae the loarry.

See when Ah'm a mullionerre
an you an Maggie's oan yer uppers
Ah'll be aff tae Bennydorm
sae bugger you an stuff the loarry!

Agnes on Management

See thon wee nyaff o a licencee
wi the fancy ties an the skelly een?
He wis roon the moarn fur a wurd wi me
aboot christ knows whit. Weel Ah micht o been
jist a wee bit sherp but ah mean tae say
whit wad he o dune if he'd hud tae cope
wi the likes o whit we hud yisturday
wi the Rangers boays yellin fuck the poap
at the feenyans through in the ither baur
wi thur Celtic seemits an Irish chants.
Ah wis happy jist tae prevent a war
but that's no enough fer him. He wants
uz tae "help the customers integrate" -
"Gawn bile yer heid" Ah telt him straight.

Agnes on Democracy

C'moan, jist luk at them - thur baith as bad
as each ither. Wan's his faither in disguise
cept fur his auld man wisny near as glaikit.
The ither wan's as smarmy as get oot.
Ye'd think wi hauf a bullion bliddy yanks
ti choose between - ach, but it disny matter,
it's no as if they even dae a loat
thae presidents, no luk the queen. Ah mean,
at least she opens things and gets her mug
oan aa the stamps an that. Then when she's deid
her muckle sumph taks ower wi nae hoo-hah,
nae bits o paper danglin fae wan coarnur.
Me? Ah wiz fine wi Bill. Weel fur a stert
thon grin sends herry wurrums roon ma hert.

Agnes transmogged

See efter this moagur's aa pit by
n we're loused furranurra wee while,
moanan we'll hae a wee daunner ootbye
eh no? This baur's luk a jile.

Thurra place roon ahint St Vuncent's Lane
whaur naebody's gauny come preein
n we'll tak aff oor claes n pit oan oor wings
n dae a wee bit o fleein.

Ah'll be the corbie n ye'll be the gull
ye wis aye a bit o a gannet
n we'll wheech ower the chumneys, aye so we wull
noo wheesht, no a whusper tae Janet . . .

Agnes translates

Ma Chookie
jist luik at
ye (sorry
hullawrer)
but bidin
inside like
a bloke in
the choky!
Get oot o
it toot sweet
or Aggie
'll nag ye.
Wee gannet
ye canny
be slackin -
get crackin!
The jeely
'll heal ye.
C'moan yer
no goany
be bonny
'f yer scrawny
an wasted
an pasty.
Sae Jesus
tae please us
nae pukin
ma Chookie.


(Original is Ma Mignonne, by Clement Marot)

Agnes describes

Wisny wan o the punters.
Husny been here afore.
A wee stoattur in a straw boater
wi a rid hooter an a braw moatur.
Gallus? Jeez, aye!
Montague? Forte's queue?
Wisny Gow, onyhow.
How?
Wha's he been killin?

Agnes sympathises

Aye aye Ah ken it's Hogmanay
an whit's a man supposty dae
if thur's naebody at hame?

But Wullie man ye've hud a skin.
D'ye want the fuzz tae tak ye in?
It's jist no worth it son.

It's no as if ye'll bring her back
by gettin stocious. Best tae jack
it in an shoot the craw

while ye're still staunin like. Thur's nae
wey Ah cud serve ye onywey,
no in yer present state.

A poke o chups wud dae ye mair
guid than anither pint o beer.
The shoap's jist roon the coarner.

An see if she ever draps by here
ma name's no Aggie if Ah don't gie her
whit fur fur fleein awa.

Ach dinna worry, Ah'll no hurt her.
An efter aa it wad be murder
huvin tae live wi you.

Ah canny blether ony mair,
so gaun yersel an mind the stair
an Wullie - Happy New Year!

Agnes revises

See 'f ye go tae Kelvingrove Museum
'n try'n imagine whit thae guys wiz thinkin
aa thae years ago, ye almost see them,
thur sweaty oxters, ragged claes, an stinkin.

Gaunny tak a pew an hae a blether
wi thae auld codgers? Watch them drappin aff
knackered-like efter work in fulthy weather
an snorin like auld grumphies. Whit a laugh.

OK. Noo dig yer holes an build yer bridges
ower the sheuch. Rip doon whit's in yer wey
an dinna fash yersel aboot the midges
that bite yer erse aa through the warkin day.

But see 'f ye find a stash o hidden treasure,
jist bring it hame tae Agnes, at yer leisure.


(Original is Cadence, by Dave McClure)

Agnes on Burns

Thur's wan aboot a moose, d'ye mind we done
it at the schule? Goad that's no yisterdy
cos thur wis this big lump - she made him read
it oot - his name wis Rabbie Burns tae.
Ah aye thocht thon wis rotten o his maw.
Ah mean tae say she cud o caad him Jim
or Wull or Shoo or ony bliddy thing.
But Rab? Ye canny dae thon tae a wean.
Like Jeannie Gow that caad her bairn Clunt
jist efter seein him at the picters like.
Fistfu o sweet FA atween her lugs.
Whit else? Wis Auld Lang Syne no wan o his?
An Scoatish sodger - naw, thon's Andy Stewart.
He's deid an aa. Ach weel, the best laid schemes . . .

Agnes on Edinburgh

Ah huvny been fur yonks, since Jessie threw
in Sam that wis a piper in the Argyles
an used tae get us intae the Tattoo
an that wis grand 'cept it wis bliddy miles
fae Waverley an up hill aa the wey.
They huvny goat the Undergound like us -
weel even London his, Ah mean tae say,
some capital if ye've goat tae go by bus.
An see the shoaps, thur stappit fu o tat
fur yanks an sassenachs tae waste thur cash
wi tartan this an tartan bliddy that -
Ah'd gie them bliddy tartan. Goaty dash
Ah'm late. Ach Embro's fine, but aa the same
it's mibbe no as dacent-like as hame.

Agnes on Camra

Ye see them in Byres Road sniffin thur beer
luk lord an lady muck wi fancy wine.
Caa thursels Camra, Ah've anither name
fur fowk that try'n mak something whit it's no.
Oh Ah've hud proaper wine, no yer El D.
Ah wis in Bennydorm in ninety two.
This wee Spanish chancer tuk a shine
an tried tae get us plestered oan the rid -
Pair wee sowell, Ah hud tae help him hame.
Me n'is mammy goat him tae his bed
an hit the toon. Wee daurlin! he wis nice -
said the things a lassie likes tae hear.
Bult luk a whuppet tae, nae erse at aa,
couldny hump a barrel. 'S up wi yous?

Agnes on Police

Ah seen it wi ma ain eyes Maggie hen -
They wisny proaper polis, they wis berrs.
OK the guy wis stocious like, ah ken,
an ferr enough he hurled a coupla cherrs
but me an you'd o handled him wursels
thur wisny ony need tae fetch the fuzz
Ah mean tae say - a bampot oan the Bells
jist breid an bu'ur tae the likes o uz
an jeez it's Se'urday 'nis team's goat bate
'nis wife's in hoaspital 'nis wean's in jile
an he's no bin warkin noo since ninety eight -
ach weel, he took the big wan oot in style.
Thu'll dae him but, fur causin an affray.
Ah'm gled he goat the big wan onywey.

Agnes on Yuppies

See guys in ties? They piss me aff.
Come in here at five o'clock
as if they own the baur.

Hing aboot in threes and fowers
Shout the odds across the baur
Goad's gift ivry wan.

Think because they've goat a joab,
drive thur fancy motor caurs,
sun shines oot thur erse.

Sammy therr's been in since two.
Still be here at closin time.
That lot's gone by six

Glesca's no the place it wis.
Fancy lagers. Huvny learnt
how tae use a gless.

See when Sammy had a joab
when the yairds wis buildin boats -
he'd huv chucked them oot.

Sammy needs anither pint.
Get it fer him, Maggie, hen.
Let the basturts wait.

Agnes on Students

Me read poetry? Gauny geeza brek pal?
Ah'm no wan o yer peely wally wasters
Ah've got work to dae, washin oot the tumblers
so's the likes o yous aye kin hae a fresh wan

Hear thon, Maggie hen? Student wi a survey
jist like whit's his name, Bamber aff the telly.
'sme'n you's peyin for them trachlin roon the toon tae
pester dacent folk gaun aboot thur business.

Glesca's stowed wi them, every wan a bampot
'cept fur doctors, like, maybe they're a bit mair
yiss than some o thae awffy-luikin weirdos,
ken, like Jessie's lass, her that dyed her heid blue.

Agnes on Karaoke

Thon wiz a magic evenin aff -
went intae Ingrams doon oan the squerr
ken, whaur the gaffer's a right wee nyaff
but the karaoke - aw it's rerr.

We'd a coarner table, Ina an me
an we wisny gauny sing at aa
but efter a malibu or three
weel ye canny help yersel. It's braw

wi the flashy lights an the great big screen
an aa the wurds gaun by like yon
an big fat Tammy, ken wha ah mean
wi the plukes, that does Roy Orbison

tae a T, when he's hud a dacent bevvy.
Ina wiz near tae havin a greet.
Ah like the wan aboot drove ma chevvy
an thon yin dancin in the street.

So me an Ina gets up thegither
the gaffer gies ye an extra mike.
Done he ain't heavy he's mabrither.
Gied it a load o welly like.