Flopears and the Peas

So here it is - the final episode in Dad's Flopears series:

One day Flopears was feeling very fed-up. He had nothing to do and all his wee brothers and sisters were playing without him, and anyway, he couldn't be bothered with all their noise. "I know what I will do" he said to himself "I'll go away and have an adventure all by myself". So off he went, hopitty-hop hopitty-hop, away up the hill until he came to a great big fence. "I wonder who put that there" he said out loud, he was so surprised. Just then he heard someone talking from the other side of the fence". "I must see about this" he said and started to run along the fence until he found a small hole. "Great" he said, "Now I can see what is happening". For as you know, Flopears was a very nosey little rabbit indeed. Well: Quick as a flash Flopears was through the hole and there was a beautiful little garden with rows and rows of lovely carrots and turnips and lettuce and, best of all, peas. Flopears just loved peas. He could eat them skins and all and here were more peas than he'd ever seen. Just as he was about to grab the biggest pea he could see he heard a gruff voice just behind him, "What do you think you are doing?" it said, and there was the biggest, ugliest, fiercest dog that Flopears had ever seen. "Oh" said Flopears when he got over his fright "I just saw a pea that was bad and I didn't want anyone to eat it and be poisoned so I was going to throw it in the dustbin. It is very dangerous to eat peas with the tickle-tum disease and it would be a great pity if your master ate some of the peas and had to stay in bed for weeks. Who would feed you?" "What can I do about it", growled the dog "I don't want to starve". "I know" said Flopears "We will pull all the peas out and I will take them far away where your master can't find them and everything will be all right" "What a good idea" said the dog and he helped Flopears to gather all the peas in a bundle and off he went home to his Mummy and Daddy, and his four brothers and his five sisters, with enough peas to last them for a week. When Flopears told them how he had fooled the dog they laughed and laughed till they were sore.

What happened to C-Change (and Agnes)?

If you've tried going to c-change.co.uk you'll have ended up redirected to here (dave-mcclure-blog.blogspot.com) I have migrated c-change from UK2 to Blogger. Two main reasons: Webspace on UK2 was getting expensive, while Blogger is free, and on Blogger I get the whole feature set (layouts, gadgets, etc) and far faster publishing, while only a cut-down version is available on a hosted blog.

Now, Agnes. Hers was the only content on c-change that wasn't directly exportable. So I've evicted her, kicking and screaming, to Dave McClure - Poems. I hope she'll be happy there. She has her own label (agnes) which will call up all her work to a single page.

I'm keeping the c-change domain, for email and in case I want to revive the UK business at some later stage when I'm finished in the Middle East.

Agnes on Decorum

See if Ah wiz him Ah wudny staun fur thoan,
no if Ah wiz President. Ah mean tae say
it's jist no dacent like. If Ah wiz oan
the telly Ah'd sune tell them whit tae dae
wi aa thur questions. Aye Ah wud an aa
an stuff thur bliddy cameras up thur erse.
Ah'd jist say it wiz great an thur's hee-haw
youz lot can dae aboot it noo. Weel ferr's
ferr, it's no as if he wiz the poap
or Ian Paisley - thoan wud be a laugh,
speshly if it wiz wi the queen - some hope,
Chookie wud kill the perr o them. He's aff
his heid an aa. Here Maggie, whit's the odds
thae Yanks'll huv him coupit? Sully sods . . .

Agnes on Martyrs

Hidin, me? Ah'll gie ye hidin
Ah've bin doon ra cellar humpin
bliddy barrels. Wherr wis you'n yer
fancy man that drives the loarry?

's aye the same oan Friday. Maggie
therr goes poancin aff fur denner
jist afore thae Tennents Lager
wankers bring their bliddy loarry.

Last week ye wis daein the bukes,
the wan afore ye're in the cludgie
next week ye'll be christ knows wherr
but muggins hus tae dae the loarry.

See when Ah'm a mullionerre
an you an Maggie's oan yer uppers
Ah'll be aff tae Bennydorm
sae bugger you an stuff the loarry!

Agnes on Management

See thon wee nyaff o a licencee
wi the fancy ties an the skelly een?
He wis roon the moarn fur a wurd wi me
aboot christ knows whit. Weel Ah micht o been
jist a wee bit sherp but ah mean tae say
whit wad he o dune if he'd hud tae cope
wi the likes o whit we hud yisturday
wi the Rangers boays yellin fuck the poap
at the feenyans through in the ither baur
wi thur Celtic seemits an Irish chants.
Ah wis happy jist tae prevent a war
but that's no enough fer him. He wants
uz tae "help the customers integrate" -
"Gawn bile yer heid" Ah telt him straight.

Agnes on Democracy

C'moan, jist luk at them - thur baith as bad
as each ither. Wan's his faither in disguise
cept fur his auld man wisny near as glaikit.
The ither wan's as smarmy as get oot.
Ye'd think wi hauf a bullion bliddy yanks
ti choose between - ach, but it disny matter,
it's no as if they even dae a loat
thae presidents, no luk the queen. Ah mean,
at least she opens things and gets her mug
oan aa the stamps an that. Then when she's deid
her muckle sumph taks ower wi nae hoo-hah,
nae bits o paper danglin fae wan coarnur.
Me? Ah wiz fine wi Bill. Weel fur a stert
thon grin sends herry wurrums roon ma hert.

Agnes transmogged

See efter this moagur's aa pit by
n we're loused furranurra wee while,
moanan we'll hae a wee daunner ootbye
eh no? This baur's luk a jile.

Thurra place roon ahint St Vuncent's Lane
whaur naebody's gauny come preein
n we'll tak aff oor claes n pit oan oor wings
n dae a wee bit o fleein.

Ah'll be the corbie n ye'll be the gull
ye wis aye a bit o a gannet
n we'll wheech ower the chumneys, aye so we wull
noo wheesht, no a whusper tae Janet . . .

Agnes translates

Ma Chookie
jist luik at
ye (sorry
hullawrer)
but bidin
inside like
a bloke in
the choky!
Get oot o
it toot sweet
or Aggie
'll nag ye.
Wee gannet
ye canny
be slackin -
get crackin!
The jeely
'll heal ye.
C'moan yer
no goany
be bonny
'f yer scrawny
an wasted
an pasty.
Sae Jesus
tae please us
nae pukin
ma Chookie.


(Original is Ma Mignonne, by Clement Marot)

Agnes describes

Wisny wan o the punters.
Husny been here afore.
A wee stoattur in a straw boater
wi a rid hooter an a rerr moatur.
Gallus? Jeez, aye!
Montague? Forte's queue?
Wisny Gow, onyhow.
How?
Wha's he been killin?

Agnes sympathises

Aye aye Ah ken it's Hogmanay
an whit's a man supposty dae
if thur's naebody at hame?

But Wullie man ye've hud a skin.
D'ye want the fuzz tae tak ye in?
It's jist no worth it son.

It's no as if ye'll bring her back
by gettin stocious. Best tae jack
it in an shoot the craw

while ye're still staunin like. Thur's nae
wey Ah cud serve ye onywey,
no in yer present state.

A poke o chups wud dae ye mair
guid than anither pint o beer.
The shoap's jist roon the coarner.

An see if she ever draps by here
ma name's no Aggie if Ah don't gie her
whit fur fur fleein awa.

Ach dinna worry, Ah'll no hurt her.
An efter aa it wad be murder
huvin tae live wi you.

Ah canny blether ony mair,
so gaun yersel an mind the stair
an Wullie - Happy New Year!

Agnes revises

See 'f ye go tae Kelvingrove Museum
'n try'n imagine whit thae guys wiz thinkin
aa thae years ago, ye almost see them,
thur sweaty oxters, ragged claes, an stinkin.

Gaunny tak a pew an hae a blether
wi thae auld codgers? Watch them drappin aff
knackered-like efter work in fulthy weather
an snorin like auld grumphies. Whit a laugh.

OK. Noo dig yer holes an build yer bridges
ower the sheuch. Rip doon whit's in yer wey
an dinna fash yersel aboot the midges
that bite yer erse aa through the warkin day.

But see 'f ye find a stash o hidden treasure,
jist bring it hame tae Agnes, at yer leisure.


(Original is Cadence, by Dave McClure)

Agnes on Burns

Thur's wan aboot a moose, d'ye mind we done
it at the schule? Goad that's no yisterdy
cos thur wis this big lump - she made him read
it oot - his name wis Rabbie Burns tae.
Ah aye thocht thon wis rotten o his maw.
Ah mean tae say she cud o caad him Jim
or Wull or Shoo or ony bliddy thing.
But Rab? Ye canny dae thon tae a wean.
Like Jeannie Gow that caad her bairn Clunt
jist efter seein him at the picters like.
Fistfu o sweet FA atween her lugs.
Whit else? Wis Auld Lang Syne no wan o his?
An Scoatish sodger - naw, thon's Andy Stewart.
He's deid an aa. Ach weel, the best laid schemes . . .

Agnes on Edinburgh

Ah huvny been fur yonks, since Jessie threw
in Sam that wis a piper in the Argyles
an used tae get us intae the Tattoo
an that wis grand 'cept it wis bliddy miles
fae Waverley an up hill aa the wey.
They huvny goat the Undergound like us -
weel even London his, Ah mean tae say,
some capital if ye've goat tae go by bus.
An see the shoaps, thur stappit fu o tat
fur yanks an sassenachs tae waste thur cash
wi tartan this an tartan bliddy that -
Ah'd gie them bliddy tartan. Goaty dash
Ah'm late. Ach Embro's fine, but aa the same
it's mibbe no as dacent-like as hame.

Agnes on Camra

Ye see them in Byres Road sniffin thur beer
luk lord an lady muck wi fancy wine.
Caa thursels Camra, Ah've anither name
fur fowk that try'n mak something whit it's no.
Oh Ah've hud proaper wine, no yer El D.
Ah wis in Bennydorm in ninety two.
This wee Spanish chancer tuk a shine
an tried tae get us plestered oan the rid -
Pair wee sowell, Ah hud tae help him hame.
Me n'is mammy goat him tae his bed
an hit the toon. Wee daurlin! he wis nice -
said the things a lassie likes tae hear.
Bult luk a whuppet tae, nae erse at aa,
couldny hump a barrel. 'S up wi yous?

Agnes on Police

Ah seen it wi ma ain eyes Maggie hen -
They wisny proaper polis, they wis berrs.
OK the guy wis stocious like, ah ken,
an ferr enough he hurled a coupla cherrs
but me an you'd o handled him wursels
thur wisny ony need tae fetch the fuzz
Ah mean tae say - a bampot oan the Bells
jist breid an bu'ur tae the likes o uz
an jeez it's Se'urday 'nis team's goat bate
'nis wife's in hoaspital 'nis wean's in jile
an he's no bin warkin noo since ninety eight -
ach weel, he took the big wan oot in style.
Thu'll dae him but, fur causin an affray.
Ah'm gled he goat the big wan onywey.

Agnes on Yuppies

See guys in ties? They piss me aff.
Come in here at five o'clock
as if they own the baur.

Hing aboot in threes and fowers
Shout the odds across the baur
Goad's gift ivry wan.

Think because they've goat a joab,
drive thur fancy motor caurs,
sun shines oot thur erse.

Sammy therr's been in since two.
Still be here at closin time.
That lot's gone by six

Glesca's no the place it wis.
Fancy lagers. Huvny learnt
how tae use a gless.

See when Sammy had a joab
when the yairds wis buildin boats -
he'd huv chucked them oot.

Sammy needs anither pint.
Get it fer him, Maggie, hen.
Let the basturts wait.

Agnes on Students

Me read poetry? Gauny geeza brek pal?
Ah'm no wan o yer peely wally wasters
Ah've got work to dae, washin oot the tumblers
so's the likes o yous aye kin hae a fresh wan

Hear thon, Maggie hen? Student wi a survey
jist like whit's his name, Bamber aff the telly.
'sme'n you's peyin for them trachlin roon the toon tae
pester dacent folk gaun aboot thur business.

Glesca's stowed wi them, every wan a bampot
'cept fur doctors, like, maybe they're a bit mair
yiss than some o thae awffy-luikin weirdos,
ken, like Jessie's lass, her that dyed her heid blue.

Agnes on Karaoke

Thon wiz a magic evenin aff -
went intae Ingrams doon oan the squerr
ken, whaur the gaffer's a right wee nyaff
but the karaoke - aw it's rerr.

We'd a coarner table, Ina an me
an we wisny gauny sing at aa
but efter a malibu or three
weel ye canny help yersel. It's braw

wi the flashy lights an the great big screen
an aa the wurds gaun by like yon
an big fat Tammy, ken wha ah mean
wi the plukes, that does Roy Orbison

tae a T, when he's hud a dacent bevvy.
Ina wiz near tae havin a greet.
Ah like the wan aboot drove ma chevvy
an thon yin dancin in the street.

So me an Ina gets up thegither
the gaffer gies ye an extra mike.
Done he ain't heavy he's mabrither.
Gied it a load o welly like.

Flopears and the Turnip

Welcome to the third episode in Dad's riveting Flopears series. This is the only one that I can definitely remember him telling me.

One morning Flopears had just finished his breakfast and as usual he was still very hungry, so off he went hoppity-hop away up the hill to see if he could find something ekse to eat because, all his Mummy had to give him was one wee cabbage leaf and that wasn't very much for a growing bunny
Soon he had reached the top of the hill and there he saw a field full of lovely big turnips. Flopears could hardly believe his eyes. He dashed up to the nearest turnip and started to eat it all up.
Very soon he stopped eating and said to himself "What a greedy bunny I am to be eating all this lovely food when all my brothers and sisters had for their breakfast was one cabbage leaf". So Flopears looked for the biggest turnip in the field and then he bit off all the leaves and he bit off all the roots and there was the biggest roundest turnip you ever saw. "Now" said Flopears "How am I going to get this home to Mummy?"

Then he had a brilliant idea and he stood on his hind legs and gave the turnip a push. Off it rolled untill it came to the top of the hill. Then Flopears gave one more big push and the turnip started rolling down the hill, slowly at first then faster and faster until it was going so fast that Flopears couldn't keep up with it. "Oh dear me" said Flopears "It will go right past the burrow and we'll never see it again". Just then **KERPLUNK** the turnip landed right in the mouth of the burrow. Flopears couldn't believe his eyes. When he saw what had happened, he tried to push the turnip into the burrow. It wouldn't move. The turnip was too big. Just then Flopears heard a wee voice saying, "Oh it is very dark in here, I wonder what has happened". "Don 't worry" Flopears said "It's just me with some breakfast but I'm afraid you will just have to eat it where it is. So if you all start eating it from inside I'll eat from out here and we will soon get the burrow opened up again". So that is what they did and very soon the entrance was clear and nobody was hungry any more. "What a kind thoughtful bunny you are Flopears" said his Mummy

Flopears and the Fox

This is the second of Dad's Flopears stories. For the sake of readability, I'm typing this and the others in lower case, but keeping Dad's colour scheme and italics.

Flopears and the Fox

Once upon a time there was a wee bunny-rabbit called Flopears who lived in a burrow in the ground with his Mummy and his Daddy and his four brothers and his five sisters.
But Flopears was always hungry, he could never get enough to eat
One morning Flopears' Mummy came into the burrow with their breakfast, just one lettuce leaf for each wee bunny and as usual Flopears gobbled his share straight away. "Now can I have some more please Mummy. I'm still hungry". "Oh you are a greedy bunny Flopears" said his Mummy, "If you want anything else to eat you must just go away outside and find it for yourself".
"That is just what I will do" said Flopears and off he went hopity-hopity out of the burrow and away up the hill till he suddenly spied a lovely wood with beautiful green grass and nice bushes to hide in.

"What a great place to play in" he said to himself, "I will be able to find lots to eat here I know. Just then Flopears heard a gruff voice saying "How dare you come into my wood. Don't you know that I eat up any bunny rabbit who dares to enter here".
"Oh please Mr. Fox eat me up if you want but whatever you do don't throw me into that patch of nettles. I'd rather be eaten up than have to fall into these stingy nettles". "Oh what a good idea said the cruel fox, and he picked Flopears up by his ears and threw him far into the patch of nettles. "Ooh, Ouch, Wow", yelled Flopears as if he was being tortured and then he burst out laughing. "What a stupid fox you are. Rabbits love nettles, and I haven't had my breakfast yet, thank you very much, I'll be able to take some to my Mummy and Daddy too".
And that is what Flopears did and his Mummy said "Oh what a kind wee bunny you are to think about your family".

Flopears and the Silly Black Rabbit

Dad had a fund of Flopears stories, first rehearsed with Derrick, then Douglas and me, then in turn to all the next generation. He finally typed some of them out (on his Amiga computer in the living room) and gave them to Malcolm, with this hand-written covering note:

Dear Malcolm
I meant to correct & edit these stories but I haven't had much time recently. Someday maybe I'll do it.
Love
Grandpa Jock

I'm going to retype them here, one by one, for posterity. Dad used all upper case italics and many colours. As far as possible, I'm copying that too. He didn't type any titles, so I've made them up.
------------------------

FLOPEARS AND THE SILLY BLACK RABBIT

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A WEE BABY RABBIT CALLED FLOPEARS WHO LIVED IN A BURROW WITH HIS MUMMY AND HIS DADDY AND HIS FOUR BROTHERS AND FIVE SISTERS, AND FLOPEARS WAS A VERY HAPPY BUNNY AND VERY FOND OF LOOKING FOR ADVENTURES. WELL THIS MORNING JUST AFTER HIS MUMMY HAD GIVEN HIM HIS BREAKFAST OF TWO SMALL CARROTS FLOPEARS DECIDED THAT HE WOULD HAVE AN ADVENTURE AND MAYBE ALSO GET SOMETHING ELSE TO EAT. SO OFF HE WENT HOPPITY-HOP, HOPPITY-HOP UP THE HILL WHICH FLOPEARS CALLED HIS MAGIC HILL, BECAUSE HE ALWAYS HAD AN ADVENTURE WHEN HE CLIMBED IT. WELL THIS TIME WAS NO DIFFERENT. HE HAD NO SOONER REACHED THE TOP OF THE HILL WHEN HE SAW A HOUSE THAT HE HAD NOT SEEN BEFORE. THROUGH A HOLE IN THE FENCE FLOPEARS SAW LOTS OF LOVELY JUICY VEGETABLES AND OF COURSE HE SUDDENLY FELT VERY HUNGRY, SO IN HE WENT. BUT BEFORE HE COULD EVEN HAVE ONE BITE HE HEARD A VOICE, "HELP ME! HELP ME!" CRIED THE VOICE AND FLOPEARS LOOKED UP AND SAW A GREAT BIG BLACK RABBIT INSIDE A GREAT BIG BOX COVERED WITH WIRE. "GOODNESS" SAID FLOPEARS. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING THERE?" "I LIVE HERE" SAID THE RABBIT. "IT REALLY IS VERY COMFORTABLE AND I GET LOVELY OATMEAL AND TEA-LEAVES FOR MY DINNER". "COULD I SEE WHAT IT IS LIKE?" SAID FLOPEARS. "I'VE NEVER SEEN A HUTCH BEFORE". "WELL", SAID THE BLACK RABBIT "IF YOU JUMP UP AND PUSH THAT CATCH, I'LL LET YOU COME IN FOR ONE MINUTE". "OH! THANK YOU" SAID FLOPEARS AND HE PUSHED THE CATCH AND OPENED THE DOOR AND JUMPED IN. AS SOON AS FLOPEARS JUMPED IN THE HUTCH THE BIG RABBIT JUMPED OUT AND BANGED THE DOOR SHUT. POOR WEE FLOPEARS COULDN'T GET OUT. WHEN HE SAW WHAT HAD HAPPENED, HE SAID TO THE BIG RABBIT "THANK GOODNESS I'M SAFE AT LAST, NOW THESE BIG WILD ANIMALS OUT THERE WON'T BE ABLE TO EAT ME UP LIKE ALL MY FRIENDS, EVERYBODY ELSE BUT ME HAS GONE ALREADY". "OH!" SAID THE BLACK RABBIT, "I DON'T WANT TO BE EATEN UP. PLEASE LET ME BACK IN BESIDE YOU, I PROMISE I'LL LET YOU HAVE HALF OF MY OATMEAL". SO THE BIG RABBIT OPENED THE DOOR AND JUMPED IN AND FLOPEARS JUMPED OUT AND SHUT THE DOOR AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AT THE SILLY RABBIT.